I stopped before I reached the house to look towards the woods where the body laid with paramedics leaning over him, forcing breath into his lungs. I couldn't venture into the woods, my mind and heart set on his youngest sister waiting inside, my heart breaking into thousands of pieces.
But as I looked, my eyes beheld my husband gently scoop his mother into his arms like a fragile child to carry her through the waist high thorny shrubs to reach her grandchild laying there and her daughter standing, waiting, praying.
I am thankful I stopped for that brief moment. For in so doing, I bore witness to a moment of beauty in the ugliest of times. A son, tenderly bearing the pain of the thorns in his own exposed flesh, so she didn't have to. I saw a glimpse of the tenderness of The Lord, a glimpse of Jesus himself bearing the pain of the thorns upon his brow, so I didn't have to.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
13 Comes Too Soon
I am about to be a mother to a teenaged boy.
Overwhelmed, and feeling unprepared for this time are gross understatements. I've got this nudge in my heart that says, 'I don't have enough time left to prepare this boy of mine for life.' And that thought frightens me a bit. I know that what he faces already is much more than I had to, and I want to just circle the wagons and build a great wall around him and his sisters. Darkness presses in. And here I sit, praying and praying and hoping and praying some more that somewhere along the way Jesus has taken root in my boy's heart. Not the kind of religious, rule following because I have to, kind of thing. Not the I am holier than you kind of thing. The Real Thing. The life of Grace Thing. The Life that flows directly from the very Spirit of God. That out of him flows streams that reflect his True Identity, who God says Isaac Benjamin is.
Purity of Heart.
Honor.
Kindness.
Gentleness.
Peace.
Thankfulness.
and the Joy that comes with it all.
And Grace. Piles of Grace.
Overwhelmed, and feeling unprepared for this time are gross understatements. I've got this nudge in my heart that says, 'I don't have enough time left to prepare this boy of mine for life.' And that thought frightens me a bit. I know that what he faces already is much more than I had to, and I want to just circle the wagons and build a great wall around him and his sisters. Darkness presses in. And here I sit, praying and praying and hoping and praying some more that somewhere along the way Jesus has taken root in my boy's heart. Not the kind of religious, rule following because I have to, kind of thing. Not the I am holier than you kind of thing. The Real Thing. The life of Grace Thing. The Life that flows directly from the very Spirit of God. That out of him flows streams that reflect his True Identity, who God says Isaac Benjamin is.
Purity of Heart.
Honor.
Kindness.
Gentleness.
Peace.
Thankfulness.
and the Joy that comes with it all.
And Grace. Piles of Grace.
Monday, January 21, 2013
I Dreamed a Dream
3 Dreams in six nights. Three being the number of God to "signify His purpose or His will", and six representing our "sojourn, or work in this world".
Each dream a story of restoration.
One story of a friend being brought back into her intercession ministry that had been set aside for a season.
Another story of a divorced friend and her husband's marriage being restored after he had an encounter with God himself. Then both spent their lives traveling and teaching together. One on worship. The other on dreams.
The last story of my family on the mission field. A fifth child was born to us overseas as we served as missionaries, and due to something beyond our control, we had to leave that child in the care of another while we returned home. For two years we were gone. We went back to get her. This child that looked so much like our oldest daughter. When my eyes fell upon her, they filled with tears. Joy unspeakable at the sight of her, and grief and sorrow over having realized how much she was longed for. I had her back. We had her back.
Restoration.
Intercession.
Worship.
Dreams.
Missions.
I am not quite sure what all this is going to look like. But I have a feeling that God is on the move. Big Time.
Each dream a story of restoration.
One story of a friend being brought back into her intercession ministry that had been set aside for a season.
Another story of a divorced friend and her husband's marriage being restored after he had an encounter with God himself. Then both spent their lives traveling and teaching together. One on worship. The other on dreams.
The last story of my family on the mission field. A fifth child was born to us overseas as we served as missionaries, and due to something beyond our control, we had to leave that child in the care of another while we returned home. For two years we were gone. We went back to get her. This child that looked so much like our oldest daughter. When my eyes fell upon her, they filled with tears. Joy unspeakable at the sight of her, and grief and sorrow over having realized how much she was longed for. I had her back. We had her back.
Restoration.
Intercession.
Worship.
Dreams.
Missions.
I am not quite sure what all this is going to look like. But I have a feeling that God is on the move. Big Time.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Time ....
The past two weeks have been a time of reflection ... of the past, the here and now, and of what is to come.
It all began with a conversation that Ben and I shared about how chaotic our lives are with little opportunity for rest in our home, with it being filled with four energetic, boisterous little people and all. We shared some of our struggles with all of the activity and noise, but quickly came to a place of gratitude for our hectic home. You see, I began to count the years until each one of our children would be ready to venture out into this world on their own. Isaac - six and a half years. Emily - eight and a half years. Abigail - 13 and a half years. Olivia - 17 years. I was immediately struck at how quickly these years will pass, as I reflected on how quickly the years have already gone.
My heart was renewed with a desire to take pleasure in the crazy moments. To relish the giggles of my girls and the witty sarcasm from my son that at times is so inappropriate that one can only help not to laugh, the spirited retelling of what happened during their day, the wide-eyed wonder at learning new ideas and facts, the swell in my heart as each one of them initiates an "I love you." and a hug. I find it easy to enjoy those times, but to remember in the moments that the children are tattling, screaming, or just being annoying, (which happens enough that Olivia now says, "Isaac noying!") that time is slipping by. The tick-tock of time marches on. A constant rhythm of growth and change.
Overnight, a year of Isaac being home with us has been swept away. Yesterday was Isaac's last day of sixth grade. Yes, it is only the middle of the year. But because the boy has been gifted with a love of learning and abilities that are beyond his peer group, he has been promoted into the seventh grade. Words cannot begin to express how my heart bursts at the seams when I see him excel in the areas that God has gifted him, although I wish it wasn't at my expense. Yes, that is selfish of me. I know. But the questions rage ... Will he be prepared to face the harshness of the world with one less year for his father and I to cover him? Will he be rooted in the Truth, and grounded in his identity so as not to be swayed by the ways of the world? Will I be ready to release him? Yikes. That is the hardest question.
I am praying for a mother's heart that is prepared and willing to parent each of my children that will most benefit them. That will prepare them for life. That will allow them to shine. And be bright.
On a side note, Abigail turns five tomorrow. Where did the time go?
It all began with a conversation that Ben and I shared about how chaotic our lives are with little opportunity for rest in our home, with it being filled with four energetic, boisterous little people and all. We shared some of our struggles with all of the activity and noise, but quickly came to a place of gratitude for our hectic home. You see, I began to count the years until each one of our children would be ready to venture out into this world on their own. Isaac - six and a half years. Emily - eight and a half years. Abigail - 13 and a half years. Olivia - 17 years. I was immediately struck at how quickly these years will pass, as I reflected on how quickly the years have already gone.
My heart was renewed with a desire to take pleasure in the crazy moments. To relish the giggles of my girls and the witty sarcasm from my son that at times is so inappropriate that one can only help not to laugh, the spirited retelling of what happened during their day, the wide-eyed wonder at learning new ideas and facts, the swell in my heart as each one of them initiates an "I love you." and a hug. I find it easy to enjoy those times, but to remember in the moments that the children are tattling, screaming, or just being annoying, (which happens enough that Olivia now says, "Isaac noying!") that time is slipping by. The tick-tock of time marches on. A constant rhythm of growth and change.
Overnight, a year of Isaac being home with us has been swept away. Yesterday was Isaac's last day of sixth grade. Yes, it is only the middle of the year. But because the boy has been gifted with a love of learning and abilities that are beyond his peer group, he has been promoted into the seventh grade. Words cannot begin to express how my heart bursts at the seams when I see him excel in the areas that God has gifted him, although I wish it wasn't at my expense. Yes, that is selfish of me. I know. But the questions rage ... Will he be prepared to face the harshness of the world with one less year for his father and I to cover him? Will he be rooted in the Truth, and grounded in his identity so as not to be swayed by the ways of the world? Will I be ready to release him? Yikes. That is the hardest question.
I am praying for a mother's heart that is prepared and willing to parent each of my children that will most benefit them. That will prepare them for life. That will allow them to shine. And be bright.
On a side note, Abigail turns five tomorrow. Where did the time go?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Marriage?
My Abigail is quite a delightful girl, full of questions and has numerous things to share with us. She is four, and is now beginning to be very concerned about who she is going to marry, since her Daddy is already taken.
A couple weeks ago, she announced that she will marry the man that stands on the street that waves at folks as they drive by all day long. Yikes. My initial response was to panic and then try to persuade her that she could not marry anyone that has a court ordered guardian due to is inability to function as an adult. I managed to compose myself so that I could find out what the attraction was. She said he was nice to always wave at people. So, I left it at that, and decided to wait this 'crush' out.
This week, I had Abigail with me at work for a few hours. She enjoys coming with me because it is the only time she is allowed to use markers (we've had too many comforters, walls, furniture, etc., ruined my her artistic pursuits). She sat, working diligently on her version of a motorcycle, with her back turned to the store. She heard a very loud, unusual voice greet Olivia and me, which caused Abigail to drop her marker and exclaim, "WHO IS THAT MAN?" I told her it was the nice man that waves to everyone on the road. Without missing a beat, she announced, "I don't think I want to marry him anymore." And went back to her doodles.
A couple weeks ago, she announced that she will marry the man that stands on the street that waves at folks as they drive by all day long. Yikes. My initial response was to panic and then try to persuade her that she could not marry anyone that has a court ordered guardian due to is inability to function as an adult. I managed to compose myself so that I could find out what the attraction was. She said he was nice to always wave at people. So, I left it at that, and decided to wait this 'crush' out.
This week, I had Abigail with me at work for a few hours. She enjoys coming with me because it is the only time she is allowed to use markers (we've had too many comforters, walls, furniture, etc., ruined my her artistic pursuits). She sat, working diligently on her version of a motorcycle, with her back turned to the store. She heard a very loud, unusual voice greet Olivia and me, which caused Abigail to drop her marker and exclaim, "WHO IS THAT MAN?" I told her it was the nice man that waves to everyone on the road. Without missing a beat, she announced, "I don't think I want to marry him anymore." And went back to her doodles.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Awaken Oh Sleeper
I have been so fortunate to work in a home town grocery store where I am able to bring my youngest, Olivia, with me. I felt quite refreshed upon returning to my part-time job, due to six weeks of rest in the sanctuary of my home where we invited the peace of Jesus to reign as we adjusted to having the sixth member of our family join us. After the first week of work, I began to realize how toxic of an environment it had been to me ... a place that slowly allured my attention from what truly mattered to me ... Jesus. I became cynical, judgmental, selfish,and down right mean (not necessarily in action, but certainly in thought and attitude.) I had been overcome by the main spiritual stronghold in this rural area we live in ... poverty. I immediately repented, and determined in my heart to not only cover myself, but to be sure that Olivia was covered in this place as well.
I began streaming some worship through Pandora, but discovered that most of it was Christian Pop. Don't get me wrong, Christian Pop is fine, and I like a good bit of it. It just wasn't what Olivia and I needed to strengthen our spirits and to focus our hearts and minds. Somehow I was led to check out IHOP out of Kansas City and discovered the live streaming of the Prayer Room. After two minutes I was hooked. The combination of pure adoration and worship of God and intercession was exactly what I needed.
It also has reawakened something deep within... a reminder of my destiny, my purpose, my call. Something that I slowly walked away from years ago. It's funny how it feels to rediscover a passion. Joy, life, determination, focus. Yet sorrow, regret, and a longing for what was missed well up in my heart as well.
So, here I sit with these warring emotions.
And a spirit that senses great things to come.
Learning more of who I am
And who He is.
<3
I began streaming some worship through Pandora, but discovered that most of it was Christian Pop. Don't get me wrong, Christian Pop is fine, and I like a good bit of it. It just wasn't what Olivia and I needed to strengthen our spirits and to focus our hearts and minds. Somehow I was led to check out IHOP out of Kansas City and discovered the live streaming of the Prayer Room. After two minutes I was hooked. The combination of pure adoration and worship of God and intercession was exactly what I needed.
It also has reawakened something deep within... a reminder of my destiny, my purpose, my call. Something that I slowly walked away from years ago. It's funny how it feels to rediscover a passion. Joy, life, determination, focus. Yet sorrow, regret, and a longing for what was missed well up in my heart as well.
So, here I sit with these warring emotions.
And a spirit that senses great things to come.
Learning more of who I am
And who He is.
<3
Friday, January 28, 2011
I Took My Pants Off at Work
2011 has already proven to be a year of great change and challenge for me.
It started with a challenge from a friends blog to read the Bible in 90 days. I am now on day 28. I find myself looking forward to my 30 to 45 minutes of quietly delving into the most fantastical, mysterious, romantic story of all time.
Next came the dream. Actually, it is one that I have had numerous times throughout my life, but this time, something seems to have awakened me to it's call.
"I rolled out of bed running late to work as usual. Not having time to wash my face or even brush my teeth, I head out the door to work wearing nothing but my nursing cami, underwear, and a baby blanket. I am fully aware of my lack of appropriate clothing, but it doesn't bother me... I have to do my job. I sat at my desk in the corner of the store and was asked to help some customers with Western Union transfers. As I stood, I wrapped the baby blanket around my lower half, however the blanket only large enough to cover 3/4 of my body. Still, I was not concerned. At this point, I was beginning to notice that my being uncovered was making those around me uncomfortable and fidgetty. Yet I continued to do my job, just as I was."
I thought and thought about the dream, it's significance, why I wasn't uncomfortable (because I definitely would be horrified to be standing in my panties in public), and of course why the others were uncomfortable with me.
And then like a light bulb, I felt the invitation from Jesus to be exactly who I am, saying, thinking, doing "ME"... all the time... in every location and situation I find myself.
I responded:
I've got to have something real
Something real, like a Rock
Can't be moved around
Pushed around
Blown around
Something firm, like a Rock
Got to be real
Something like You
Like me being like You
Like a Rock
I can't take the endless chatter
Words void of life or force
Or experience
Or Truth.
I've got to be someone real.
Like you, like me being like You
Standing in the face of life
Not moved around
Pushed around
Blown around
Standing in the face of sadness
sorrow, pain,
Taking hold of the horns of the alter
Offering myself, giving who I am to You
So You can be given to them
Word full of life and force
Of experience
Of Truth
Like a rock
Me being like You like me
Saying what You say
Doing what You do
So the next day, I took my pants off at work :)
I said what I heard Him say to a vendor. I felt free in doing so, regardless of me appearing crazy or uncovered.
I did it again yesterday. The man didn't know what to think, I'm sure. But that's the point. The invitation was for me to be "ME", and not be consumed with those that are not me.
I'll be like a Rock.
It started with a challenge from a friends blog to read the Bible in 90 days. I am now on day 28. I find myself looking forward to my 30 to 45 minutes of quietly delving into the most fantastical, mysterious, romantic story of all time.
Next came the dream. Actually, it is one that I have had numerous times throughout my life, but this time, something seems to have awakened me to it's call.
"I rolled out of bed running late to work as usual. Not having time to wash my face or even brush my teeth, I head out the door to work wearing nothing but my nursing cami, underwear, and a baby blanket. I am fully aware of my lack of appropriate clothing, but it doesn't bother me... I have to do my job. I sat at my desk in the corner of the store and was asked to help some customers with Western Union transfers. As I stood, I wrapped the baby blanket around my lower half, however the blanket only large enough to cover 3/4 of my body. Still, I was not concerned. At this point, I was beginning to notice that my being uncovered was making those around me uncomfortable and fidgetty. Yet I continued to do my job, just as I was."
I thought and thought about the dream, it's significance, why I wasn't uncomfortable (because I definitely would be horrified to be standing in my panties in public), and of course why the others were uncomfortable with me.
And then like a light bulb, I felt the invitation from Jesus to be exactly who I am, saying, thinking, doing "ME"... all the time... in every location and situation I find myself.
I responded:
I've got to have something real
Something real, like a Rock
Can't be moved around
Pushed around
Blown around
Something firm, like a Rock
Got to be real
Something like You
Like me being like You
Like a Rock
I can't take the endless chatter
Words void of life or force
Or experience
Or Truth.
I've got to be someone real.
Like you, like me being like You
Standing in the face of life
Not moved around
Pushed around
Blown around
Standing in the face of sadness
sorrow, pain,
Taking hold of the horns of the alter
Offering myself, giving who I am to You
So You can be given to them
Word full of life and force
Of experience
Of Truth
Like a rock
Me being like You like me
Saying what You say
Doing what You do
So the next day, I took my pants off at work :)
I said what I heard Him say to a vendor. I felt free in doing so, regardless of me appearing crazy or uncovered.
I did it again yesterday. The man didn't know what to think, I'm sure. But that's the point. The invitation was for me to be "ME", and not be consumed with those that are not me.
I'll be like a Rock.
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